All I wanted for Christmas was to see my moms heart smile through her eyes. I tried giving that present to myself by mending things with my dad and yet the sadness in her eyes rip my heart from the heaviness of her broken smile. I just wish I can help.
Sometimes you wanna cry, scream out the pain you have. But at the end of it all if someone up there knew you couldn’t handle it, it wouldn’t have been given to you. Though your situation might seem bad, it always could be worse.
Be strong for the two who raised you.
Be strong for the man that puts food on your table.
All this time I’m thinking be strong for the man you resented so much.
Be strong for the woman who’s been hurt.
Be strong in the eyes of those who are watching.
Waiting room tense, portraits of calm scenery waiting to ease the mind. Doesn’t effect me. The surgeon finally pops out, rushed and brief. It’s done. Slowly creep into the isolated room and there he lays incapable of breathing on his own. Rush of tears swell up as the guilt builds in my heart of the negativity I used to feel for this man, deep breaths holding it back, being strong.
I clasp his cold hand, no movement, no response, lifeless. IV’s, flashing lights, machines giving this man breath.
The room consists of only me and this man. Tears finally allowed to rush, stinging down the dry skin of my cheeks. All I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the blame, the words that cut thru the deepness of your heart, the blank emotionless stares I darted towards you, the coldest of shoulders.
I’m sorry dad.
I know we all aren’t perfect and I know we’re all only human, mistakes are made. But I saw you as the epitome of perfection, the truest of men. I’m sorry that I couldn’t forgive all of that until it actually felt like I was going to loose you.
If anyone is reading this, just make sure to love the people who surround you unconditionally and don’t forget to tell them. All the hate, all the tension you feel towards someone, the unforgiving state, the distance; just drop it. Life’s too short to fill your heart with negativity.